Actors:
Great Britain – population about 51 million, nuclear state.
Iceland – population about 300,000, no army.
NATO – an alliance in which both Britain and Iceland are members.
Other countries – USSR, Federal Republic of Germany, USA and others.
Thou – is an outdated word for ‘you’ when you are addressing only one person, who is being lower than you socially, financially and by kinship.
First act. 1958.
Iceland. I need cod.
Other countries. You’ve got 4 miles around your… shitty island, so fish there.
Iceland. I need more cod.
(*Iceland declares that it now owns the entire maritime territory for 12 miles around the island.))
Other countries (in chorus). Holy shit!
Iceland (tenderly). Codfish, codfishy, my beloved codfish….
Britain. Hey, thou…
Iceland (correcting). You, with respect!
Britain. Hey, you. I’ve been fishing in your waters, and I’ll continue to do so. Do you get the message?
Iceland. Get the fuck out of here or I am going to smash you with the cannon ball.
Britain (shocked): What?!
Iceland: Get the fuck out of here or I am not responsible for myself.
Britain: I have nuclear weapon.
Iceland. You are doomed to miss.
Britain. I have a navy.
Iceland. Soon you’ll remember how nice it was to talk about your navy in the present tense.
Britain. You have less population than I have sailors in my navy!
Iceland. That’s all right. The cod will get fatter on English meat.
Britain. Hey thou…
(British fishermen continue to catch cod in Iceland’s waters.)
Iceland (wishfully). I am going to rip your fucking head off. (Icelandic Coast Guard surrounds British ships and cuts their trawls.)
Britain (choking on her milk tea). You’re fucking nuts!
Iceland (in a satisfied voice). Oh, finally Britain speaks to Iceland with respect”.
Britain. I need codfish!
Iceland. No. Iceland and the Soviet Union need cod. Hey, Soviets, want some fish?
USSR (from afar). Fish? The Soviets want fish!
Britain. What the fuck…
(Britain withdraws its fishermen and recognizes Iceland’s rights to the 12-mile zone)
Act Two. 1972.
Iceland. I need cod.
Britain. Again?!
Iceland. I need it. I need cod.
(*Iceland declares that its exclusive rights now extend to 50 miles around the island.))
Other countries (in chorus). Thou fucking nuts!
Iceland (correcting). Respectfully and You !
Britain. I’m sick of you, you little bastard.
Germany. Me too. I might need some codfish too!
(Britain and Germany continue to fish in Icelandic waters, with navy frigates along to the fishermen boats.)
Iceland( pensively). I am going to rip both your heads off. (Icelandic Coast Guard tries to cut trawls on British fishermen boats, but runs into warning fire from the British navy.))
Iceland (in melancholy). If I won’t rip your head off , then others will…. (picks up phone) Hello, U.S.? It’s Iceland. No, it’s not Ireland, it’s Iceland. No, they’re different countries. I am going to rip your head off. What? No, it’s not for you yet. We used to have your military base here, remember? What do you mean it’s still here? We’ll take it down if it’s still here. Because we’re being insulted here, and your base is useless. We’ll put another base, a red one. With a bear and a big red button. And Russians. What do you mean, “don’t”? Oh, sure than “settle the issue”? All right, make it quick. Ciao. (hangs up)
USSR. Did someone call me?
Iceland. No, you are hearing things.
USSR. Is there any more cod?
Iceland. No. It has drowned.
USSR. What a Pity.
US. Hey, whoever you are there in Icelandic waters!
Britain and Germany (in chorus). What?
USA. Get the fuck out of there, please.
Britain. But the cod…
USA. Cod gives me heartburn.
Britain (doomed). Fuck…
(Britain and Germany leave Icelandic waters)
Iceland (talking to Britain and Germany). I’ll fuck you next time you are around.
Third Act. 1975.
Iceland. I need cod.
Britain and Germany (looking around, quietly whispering). Fuck off.
Iceland. I! Need! Cod!
(Iceland declares that it now owns the waters for 200 miles around the island)
Other countries. Iceland, thou … sorry, I mean you, of course you with the respect …
Iceland (interrupting). You remember that I owe you from last time we met.
Germany (in melancholy). Fuck off.
Britain. Watch and learn, suckers.
(Britain reintroduces a navy to protect fishermen in Icelandic waters.)
Iceland ( wistfully). I have seven ships. Britain has about a hundred. (rubbing hands together) It will be a great victory in honor of our Viking ancestors!
Germany (whispering). Iceland is nuts, call the doctor!
Iceland. Release the coast guard! Lock and load ! (the old frigate Þór struggles out of the bay, blocks the way for three British warships and engages with them in a battle.”)
Other countries (in chorus). Iceland is fucking nuts!
Iceland (with devilish laughter). The chambers of Valhalla await us, where we shall feast forever with forefather Óðinn at the long table…!
Other countries (whispering). Fucking hell. (Icelandic and English ships chase each other across the sea, having a gunfight.)
USA. What the fuck is going on. You two…
Iceland (not listening). Fight back, you English rats! Your place is in gray Nilfheim, under the heel of great Hel! Behold the flag of the raven! Þór is with us!
USA. (in panic). You’re both NATO members!
Iceland (without turning around). Not anymore.
USA (falling into chthonic horror). What do you mean, not anymore!
Iceland. We will not fight shoulder to shoulder with cowardly English rats. We are withdrawing our NATO membership.
Other countries (in chorus). Fucking hell!…
USA (pale). But you have the only NATO base in the northern seas!
USSR (sneaking up). I would like to know more …
USA. Fucking hell! Britain! Can I have a word with you?
Britain ( reluctantly ). Well, what else!!!
USA. Get out of there!
Britain. It’s a matter of principle!
USA. Fuck off!
Iceland. USA, fuck off, I was the one who spotted her first!
USA. You’re fucking crazy!
Iceland (waving a codfish). You know, bears really like raw fish. Historical fact.
USSR. Fishy !!!
USA. Britain! Did you hear me !
Britain (disappointed). What the fuck is going on … (Britain recalls its ships and, following all European countries, recognizes Iceland’s right to a 200-mile zone around the island))
Iceland (sadly). The Great Óðinn was left without a sacrifice … And the fun is over so quickly… (looking around and noticing the Eyjafjallajökull volcano) It could still be fixed though!
All the countries of the world (in chorus). Fucking hell …
Curtain rolls down.
Expansion of the Icelandic exclusive economic zone.
Iceland
Inland waters
4-mile zone
12-mile zone
50-mile zone
200-mile zone (existing)
Original taken from nicshe2003 http://nicshe2003.livejournal.com/925225.html